“Our postures become the embodiment of this exquisite balance between holding on and letting go, action and nonaction, ambition and restraint.  What is required to achieve that balance is commitment to humility, a commitment to truth.”

Rolf Gates, Meditations from the Mat:  Daily Reflections on the Path of Yoga

Day 25 – I’m going through a period of feeling depleted, misunderstood, and defeated.  My body feels ready to go, but my mind is garbled and chatty and judgmental.  My heart aches defiantly.  I am reactive and restless, willing chaos.  Or, worse, ennui.  And, because I am rocking between this and suddenly the world becoming whole and beautiful again, I know that my hormones are amiss.  Remember the light, remember the day, remember…

Rolf describes mountain pose as a paradox, writing:  “We are filling the back of the body and opening the heart  These actions compete with each other, and the pose happens when we place these competing actions in harmony with each other.”  There is always, always, always a possibility of changing one’s mindset.  We are not fixed in this place by the manmade conditions that we have no say in. It just feels as though we are.

I find it quite challenging to exist in a dualistic world where somewhere between good and bad, right and wrong, highs and lows, gets labeled “mediocre,” or “grey,” or “neutral.”  I don’t want to live in this politicized, corporate world, and so, I find joy in dancing, crossfit, and walking in the woods.  However, I envision a much better place for my children and my students in the classroom, and right now, it takes so much for me to hold on to that and continue cultivating that instead of railing against the world.

I am absolutely awed at how my physiology is defined and–at the same time–defines how I present in the world.  The busy months of May and December with the endless to-do lists and the count-down to Christmas and summer are maddening and deplete me.  I don’t even know how I didn’t recognize this before or arm myself to prepare.  Just so, there is a happy balance there which is not neutral, grey, or mediocre.  And I think it has something to do with being organic, improvisational, and self-aware.  This too shall pass.